We’ve all heard the sad stories of women catching their husband having sex with another man. And the subsequent marriage break up that follows. People always assume that the only reason he had married a woman in the first place was because of societal pressures and homophobia. However, that’s not always the case. In fact, quite a lot of gay men marry straight women, who know they are gay and stay married. Even more confusing to many is that many single gay men have casual and enjoyable sex with women from time to time and they don’t consider themselves bisexual.
How could that be? Why can’t everyone fit into a tidy little sexual orientation box so that we all know who is having sex with who and can feel secure in that knowledge? Well, that’s because human beings are complex. The more we learn about sexuality, the more we are learning how fluid and flexible it can be. How you identify yourself and your sexual orientation does not necessarily restrict your sexual behavior. It probably never did, but people are now more open and comfortable talking about it.
Gay men, who identify as gay, normally explain their identity as being sexually attracted to men. They seek partnership with another man. But, for so many reasons, that’s not always how things work out. Some gay men, who know they are gay, fall in love with and marry women, who know they are gay. Some of these men simply are committed to the idealistic view of a family and want everything that goes with that. They are willing to sacrifice their sexuality to achieve what they do not think they would be able to achieve otherwise. Sometimes, their love for another human being, whatever their gender, supersedes their sexual orientation.
You see, sexual orientation and sexual behavior are two different things. While most men who identify as gay, but who have sex with women occasionally, will say they much prefer ass to pussy, that doesn’t mean that they don’t think it would be fun dipping their dick in vagina from time to time. Whether that’s because they happen to find a particular woman sexy or sexually inviting, they are just horny at the time and a vagina is the most available hole or that they have a close relationship with a female friend and there are ‘benefits’ from time to time. That doesn’t make them bisexual though.
Bisexual people are equally sexually attracted to men and women. They find it easy to imagine themselves in a partnership with either gender. Then again, we did mention fluidity. So bisexuality can have leanings and preferences one way or the other. This can change with time. But claiming a gay man, who identifies as gay even though he has sex with women must be absolutely bisexual would be ridiculous because no matter how confusing sexuality and how many pressures are placed upon us by societal rules and norms, all of us know, deep down, what are sexual orientation is.
No one ever asks a heterosexual man when he became heterosexual. People assume that a heterosexual man knows his sexuality. Even if he has sex with guys from time to time. Hey, c’mon, it’s only horseplay. Unfortunately, that courtesy does not extend to gay men. Generally people automatically assume that they’re unsure about their sexual orientation, even if they’ve never questioned it themselves. A heterosexual society desperately wants to think that no man would prefer another man’s ass to a tight wet pussy. Well, some may be happy to utilize one from time to time for fun, pleasure of even a bit of baby making, but a gay man knows he’s a gay man and questioning that is insulting.
It does get a little more delicate for men that have lived in the closet for much of their lives. Especially those who have formed relationships with or married women and even had families before coming out. Sadly, that is a symptom of homophobic cultures and that makes everyone a victim in those situations. Some women do still stay with their husband even after they’ve come out. And some families make it work. But lying is never a good basis for any relationship, so it’s hardly surprising that these situations usually end badly.
Ultimately, there are no hard and fast rules that apply to sexual behavior. All that matters is what we all are doing is legal and consensual. If a gay man wants to have sex with a woman that is between those two consenting adults. As long as everyone is honest and open about the situation, sex is sex. Sex is healthy and sex is fun. As consenting adults there’s no reason we can’t all explore it, enjoy it and participate in it any way we choose.