Whether you and your partner planned to invite your premiere newborn darling into your conjugal bed, or the incessant crying and sleep deprivation tumbled all three of you together mindlessly under the covers, co-sleeping is a reality for many families. Some experts recommend it. Your mother no doubt has a tight-lipped opinion on it. And the love of your life has either embraced it or is scheming daily to get out of it. All the while you may be wondering how “doing it” (the other “it”) will ever happen again with junior alternately snuggling and squalling between the two of you. Or “doing it” has now receded in importance for you as you cuddle the new love of your life. You probably wish your partner would just “give it up.”

An entire industry has grown up around co-sleeping. Furniture makers design special cribs to open onto the parental sleep estate. Any number of pundits are explaining why it is the only way to parent. Others argue the family bed is instead a surefire way to ensure you will parent completely separately after the ink on divorce decree is dry. What is a new parent to do? And, if you have already fallen down this cozy rabbit hole, how does it play out as your babe in arms becomes a tough and tenacious blanket stealing toddler. How do you manage to add another sleepy head or two to the mix? Heavens knows how the birds and the bees explains those connubial victories ;-).

Is co-sleeping best for your family?

First and foremost, only you and your beloved can determine if the family bed is best for your familial constellation. If both parents are feeling comfortable with the littles sharing pillows, space, and precious time, by all means go for it. If you never really liked the idea of co-sleeping or the group snooze has gone on longer than you feel is working for you and the relationship, it may be time to reassess.

Before the tykes take over so completely that the relationship that conceived, carried, bore, and nurtured them is on life support, or even pronounced DOA by one or both of you, the adults need to have a serious discussion. Perhaps you will find that your partner is also stressed rather than soothed by the continuous sleepover. On the other hand you have a contentious possibility looming on the horizon if one parent is more married to the crowded bed than to the person who helped to populate it.

Compromise

Some couples can work out an evolving set of compromises that keeps the whole family (reasonably) happy. Transitioning older kids to trundle beds or mattresses on the floor before an out and out eviction works for some families.Once nursing at night is waning many moms are happy to banish the babe to another room.

Other couples spice it up with private time for each other in another bedroom, on the living room sectional, or in the shower as the young pups snore together in their parents’ bed. Some kids outgrow the family bed even before their parents, and you might be wise to follow their lead. Savvy spouses and partners agree to disagree now, leaving the kids in the sheets for the moment, and promise to readdress the issue in a few months’ time. The relationship between parents is the bedrock the family bed rests upon, and both members of the couple need to respect that and their partner’s needs.

If you and your partner cannot agree now or in the future on co-sleeping consider seeking some counseling. A loving beginning need not devolve into a bitter end because of a misalignment of priorities. And any young lovers who come across this article before baby makes three need to take this subject seriously. Discuss co-sleeping with your partner. This will remove surprises or disappointment once that little angel flies into your arms, and maybe your bed.

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So many ‘how-to’ books have been written about parenting starting from conception, to early days after birth to discipline. And much as they have helpful content, these books don’t tackle the reality of parenting based on the society we live in.

As parents, there are choices that our society forces us to make. For instance, being a stay-at-home mom as opposed to daycare. And all these choices are based on how best to make ends meet.

Happily married but feeling like a single parent.

Grace Koelma has been happily married for four years. She and her husband have a son. Much as they live and are parenting together, she has been feeling like a single parent.

Both of them used to work but now that they have a son, she is a stay-at-home mom. Yes, she loves being a mother. Yes, motherhood has its perks. And yes, she enjoys being a full time mom to their son. But the reality of the matter is: It takes a toll on her. Because she is home alone with the child from 6am to 7pm (when her husband is at work), she feels like she is in it alone.

This isn’t to say that the husband has no input in parenting. No. If anything he is really enthusiastic about it. However, he has to leave the house before the sun comes up because he has a five hour commute a day. So Grace has to do everything baby, from breakfast to dinner.

Much as it kills him to be away during the day, in order to make ends meet, he has to. And much as he is a great provider, Grace admits that sometimes, going at it alone makes her feel like a single parent. And that bit sucks.

The reality of being a stay-at-home parent:

See, that is the reality of the matter for most households. One parent has to work to support the family and gets home late. More often than not, they miss tucking their kids  into bed. So how is the parent left home with the kids not feel like a single parent?

If you are a stay-at-home parent, you may have experienced this. And if you have, these feelings are valid. Having the opportunity to raise your child is great. On the other hand, doing it alone or feeling like you are doing it alone- not so much. There are days when you wish the other parent was there to lend a hand here and there.

There are days, you may wish you were the one leaving the house to go to work and let the other parent have a go at being with the child from 6am to 7pm. But the thought of being away everyday and missing the greatest moments of your child’s development makes one appreciate the privilege of staying home.

The thing is: There are no clear cut answers. As parents, you just have to accept the situation and make it work for your family – best way you know how. And no matter how the situation is, take heart in the fact that you are not alone.

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