At some point after your separation or divorce your kids may have some questions about any new romantic interests. Those that either you or your ex have begun to include in the family dynamic. You should be prepared to answer any concerns your children have about any new boyfriend or girlfriend you are seeing. But what if your kids ask you about your ex’s new love?

This may be a difficult subject if some feelings of pain and rejection continue to plague you after the breakup. It is crucial for your kids that you are able to respond to their queries, about this new person. Respond, by the way, does not mean rage and rant. There is no place for those reactions while talking with your children. Especially about this subject, no matter how righteous you feel or how much it hurts. They did not ask for this situation although they may question it.

Here are some ways to navigate through the choppy waters of your children’s wonderings:

Reassure

Many times, the questions your kids may have are more about their place in their newly fragmented family after the breakup than about any specific issue regarding a romantic interest in either parents’ life. What they need is the knowledge that they continue to be of central important in your life and, hopefully, in their other parent’s life as well. Do not go into details that make everyone uncomfortable. Assure your kids that they still have two very loving parents who are committed to them, even if other relationships are not seeming to complicate the passage.

Listen

Sometimes your kids simply need a sympathetic ear as the changes are very unsettling for them. Give them a chance to unload their anxiety about the situation and remind them both parents love and cherish them. If they are unsure of what to do or say around your ex’s new love interest encourage them to be polite and to give things time. But if you hear things that honestly give you concerns about their happiness or safety consider approaching your ex with the information in a non-judgmental way. If that is impossible because of simmering anger or the chance of retribution think about connecting your child with a trusted adult who can approach the other parent with concerns. This might be a grandparent or other adult relative or a teacher or friend of the family.

Partner

If your relationship with your ex is on solid and respectful footing you might want to work with him or her to help your children become comfortable with and answer question about the new love interests of either parent. Work it out so that you and your ex can share the concerns the kids share with either of you. Look for answers together. You may even want to meet and get to know your ex’s new friend to get a feel for the kind of person he or she is and to discuss the personalities and needs of the children. If this approach is not possible immediately revisit the issue later after emotions have receded. Having all the important adults in your children’s lives on a somewhat level playing field, sharing information and respect, is ultimately best for all going forward.

Seek

When the situation is volatile be open to asking for professional help to answer your children’s questions and concerns. There will be changes in the days, weeks, months and years after your ex takes up a new love interest. Including the possibility of step and half siblings. There will be challenges of a greatly expanded family and the growth and maturation of your mutual children. Whenever your child has questions you can’t answer even with the help of your ex, counseling may be a solution to build a healthy and communicative extended family.

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Divorce can cause a whole spectrum of loss. Not just the loss of your partner and spouse, but also the loss of relationships with friends and family. It may be surprising to you just who you count among the lost, sometimes including friends you considered yours, known prior to the marriage, and your own blood relations under certain conditions. Is there a way to recover friendships and repair relationships with skittish family members after your marriage dissolves? Try the following tips to come out of this life-altering event with intact ties to as many important people in your life as possible.

Maintain An Even Keel

It is completely understandable that you have moments when you fall apart during the time it takes to complete your divorce. But as much as possible, particularly with people you and your soon to be ex spouse both count as friends, try to keep the pain and despair of the situation off or on a low burner. It can be difficult for mutual friends not to pick sides, or frankly walk away from both of you, but if you refuse to let the impending dissolution color every exchange and conversation it may be easier for your friends to give you the time and space you need to get through the divorce without abandoning you.

Carefully Consider Whom You Want To Keep

It is sad but true that misery loves company. Be cautious about the friends you share the vivid details with during a divorce. You may find that they are energized by your new-found pain and work hard to keep your level of outrage high even if you are trying for an amicable split. They may feel supporting you means rejecting your ex, and if you are parenting together or otherwise trying for a civil dissolution the last thing you need is someone who whips you back into a frenzy. Friends you want to keep can support and love you without hating your ex, allowing everyone to evolve into a comfortable post-divorce scenario that does not require backtracking and judgment.

Don’t Take It Personally If Some Friends Vanish

Even if you try your best to be upbeat and fair throughout the divorce there will be some friends who just can’t manage the change. For some your newly won freedom may be perceived as a threat. For others they just may find walking a neutral path too exhausting or contrary to what they believe is their role. Mourn them a bit, reach out once or twice, but then move on. Even without an event like a marriage dissolution you may have lost this type of friend anyway, due to other changes in situation they could not reconcile.

Give Some Time And Space

Let the pieces fall into place after your divorce and then try to reconnect with friends who have backed away. Send a card or a email that talks about the relationship you and the friend had. Emphasize what you miss and value about the person. If you have been honest with yourself about why you want this friendship to renew–nothing to do with winning or loosing after the divorce, but everything to do with reestablishing a bond with this friend– make that desire shine through.

Your Family Is Complicated

Remember the old adage that you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends if some members of your own family remain cold after the divorce is final. Your dissolution may look to some family members like a failure to hold a marriage together, an embarrassment to them or a great sadness if they had become close over time with your spouse. Just as with friends do not take it personally as they mourn the union, which is not the same as rejecting you, although it can feel similar.

Give your own family members who struggle with connecting with you after a divorce as much time as they need and permission to grieve. This includes your children, adult or not, and even your own parents and siblings who learned to love your spouse like a son, daughter, sister or brother. Try not to react  if you are perceived to be at fault and just be as kind and calm as possible, and do not speak ill of your former spouse. The long-time bond you have with family usually wins out if you behave appropriately after divorce.

Your Ex’s Family Is Difficult

You may have forged deep and loving relationships with your ex spouse’s family during the marriage and be loath to let these people, now dear to you, go. The best advice is to be as fair and circumspect during the divorce and aftermath as you can. Leave blaming and shaming to others. Remember that they are also grieving over the schism, and trying to make sense of the situation. The way you treat your ex and the co-parenting of any children will be a huge factor in how your relationship with his or her family pans out after the divorce. As with others, time, space and a healthy dose of tolerance will be the best combination to salvage a working relationship with your ex’s family post dissolution.

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