So you are madly in love with a great girl. She’s sweet, she’s loving, she’s gorgeous, and she is crazy about you. All is well, except that she is very shy in a one significant location: the bedroom. There are so many things you would love to do. However, she can barely bring herself to even talk about them, much less try them. How do you encourage your shy girlfriend to be more sexually adventurous?
Well, there are a lot of wrong ways to go about it. Pressuring her, nagging and whining, or trying to make her feel guilty are all spectacularly bad. So definitely chill out on that, ‘kay? Let’s talk about what really works.
First, Be Aware of the Stigma
Please bear in mind that your girlfriend has been raised in a society that represses female sexuality; men are expected to enjoy sex, but women who do are often labeled as “sluts”. Most women are told to be “good girls” from a young age, and this is defined as keeping a tight lid on their sexuality, from dressing modestly to hanging on to their virginity for dear life. So don’t try to shame your lady for not becoming a lusty wench at your desire, calling her “uptight”, “prude” or “frigid” just because she has learned to conform to society’s idea (and probably yours, too, if you’re honest) of a “good girl”. Instead, create a safe environment for her to express her own sexuality, not just for your enjoyment, but for her own. Remember, when she feels relaxed and safe, you reap the benefits, as well!
Don’t Dare Compare
Even though you might mean it to be encouraging, a quick way to make things go south is to tell her that all the other girls you’ve dated were willing to try role-playing, or that “Beth just loved anal,” because if you make her feel like she’s the one woman who has “issues”, she will wonder why you are even with her. You want to build her confidence rather than undermining it. Also, every time you talk about how your ex was good at something, your current girlfriend will either respond with anger (“Go back to Beth, then!”) or resentment (now she won’t want to try anal because it might remind you of Beth. Good job, moron!). Only if she asks, acknowledge that you have some experience with the practice in question and that you know how to be safe. Emphasize that you think she would enjoy it.
Start Small
If you’d like to experiment with bondage, for example, start very gently–instead of tying her hands behind her back or using hard restraints, use a soft scarf to secure her hands together over her head (where she can actually bring them down in front or slip the scarf if she feels vulnerable)–and simply make love to her that way, rather than dominating her.
If she likes the feeling of surrendering control, domination can follow. She may enjoy doing things to you while you are tied, so offer that, as well; just don’t expect her to go full-on bitch goddess on you. Ask if she would like to try wearing a blindfold, or offer to wear one yourself. Sometimes a shy person will feel less inhibited if they can’t see or be seen. Also, always ask, first: Just because she accepted a finger, and then two fingers, in her butt doesn’t mean she’s ready for you to jam anything else in there willy-nilly. Ask first, go slow, and if she says stop, do so immediately.
The most important part is to let her know that you won’t think less of her or care less about her if there are things she doesn’t want to do. Sure, you’re full of ideas, but instead of telling her what you want to try, ask her what she would like to try. She may be several steps behind you, but she needs to go at her own pace. Who knows, though–she might just surprise you, and before too long, your formerly shy girlfriend may become even more creative and sexually adventurous than you had ever hoped!
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