Ever felt like you are in a relationship where you have no control over? Do you feel like the person you are dating is kind of dangling you from a hook – taking forever to respond to your texts, changing plans on you at the last minute, replying messages or returning your calls only when it suits them?

The Question:

This week’s question comes from a man who was in a long-distance relationship that ended a while back but recently reconnected with the woman he was in a relationship with, hangout, had fun and even had sex. However when he returned back home, he texted her the next day but she didn’t reply. It took her a whole two weeks to do so.

When she replied, the dude told her to “Have a nice life” because her silence sent a clear message that she wasn’t interested. But the woman was like “Wait… Wait”; citing how busy she was in her new job.

So the guy is wondering, if he overrated to her two week silence; if the woman was rely that busy. Too busy to even reply to a 2 minute text?

My Take

The post QOTW: Are You on the Hook in Your Relationship? appeared first on Love is all colors.

In this age and era of multiculturalism, you would expect most of the people to have embraced interracial relationships and couples. Sadly, some of us are still lagging behind.

Our question this week comes from a multicultural man. His grandmother is Indian making him part Indian. Well, his girlfriend recently went “Eew” in disgust when she saw an interracial couple on TV. She might have even added that the interracial couple grossed her out. The guy is wondering if he should keep seeing her or dump her, seeing as he mixed race; typically making their relationship a mixed one.

The Question:

Me and my girlfriend, let’s call her Lucy, have been dating for about a year. We’ve been pretty happy together, not that many fights or incidents–until yesterday.
We were at her dorm room and were watching this reality show on television (while drinking wine, so we were kind of tipsy). In the middle of the episode, a mixed-race couple appeared on screen. The guy was white, and the girl looked Pakistani or Indian.

Lucy made a face and said something like, “Eww”. I was pretty confused and asked what was wrong. She was like, “He could get any WHITE girl he wanted, why did he have to go with her? These kinds of couples are gross. ”

So at this point I’m pretty shocked. Since I’m also sort of drunk, I was at a loss for words. I reminded Lucy that I was a quarter Indian myself (my grandmother is Indian). Since she’s white, I told her that we were technically in a “mixed-race relationship”.

Lucy replied that it didn’t matter because I “hardly looked Indian”. She then said, “Don’t worry, you could pass as Italian or something.” I was like, WTF? When was I worried about it??

I told her that I never thought she would be so bigoted. I then excused myself, saying that it was late and that I had class tomorrow. I ignored her texts all day today. I told one of my friends what had happened and he suggested that maybe she was just drunk and not really thinking straight.

I don’t know what to think. We live in the UK, a pretty multicultural and diverse place. I’ve never heard her say such racist remarks before. Granted, I’m from London so I’ve basically assumed that everybody is accepting and tolerant. I’ve dated a few non-white women before, which she’s never commented on. Lucy’s from a smaller city where there are less non-white people, so I suppose she’s not exactly that exposed to multiculturalism yet.

However, I’ve thought a lot about what Lucy’s said, and it still bothers me. Should I break up with her? Am I overreacting?

My Take:

The post QOTW: White Girlfriend Reacts Negatively Towards Interracial Couple on TV. appeared first on Love is all colors.

When it comes to interracial relations, most parents have no qualms with the children having friends outside their race – even if they are of the opposite sex – UNTIL he or she says they are dating; then the disapproval checks in. We all know what our parent’s expectations are when it comes to the people we are dating.

Well, this Asian guy has been dating this White chick for a year and a half and they seem to be in love. But when he talks about the white girlfriend to his parents, he hides the fact that they are dating and says she is his friend because the parents are not comfortable with their son dating interracially. This lovely lady shares her concerns in our question this week; seeking advice on how to deal with this:

The post QOTW: Asian Guy Introduces White Girlfriend to Family as a Friend appeared first on Love is all colors.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we all want our families and friends to be on board with us. And when these relationships are interracial, we need our family and friends to approve them. That’s how most of us are wired. But when they are not, this can jeopardize one’s relationship.

Our question this week comes from a 42-year-old white father who is engaged to a black woman. He has a son who is racist and who called him a “race-traitor” when he introduced him to this special lady in his life. He is worried that if his fiancee finds out about his son’s racism, she might cancel the whole engagement. He asks…

THE QUESTION

“I’m [42M] divorced and have primary custody of my only son, who’s 16. Lately he’s become incredibly racist. I am currently engaged to my fiance, who is black, and I’m worried that his extreme racism might jeopardize our relationship.

I noticed it started a while back, it started off really mild and became worse. First he just started making casual jokes about black people, negative comments here and there. It bothered me but I thought he was just being a typical teenage jerk. Then I noticed he was using the ‘N’ word more and more often. He would say extremely horrible things about black people and other ethnic groups which I don’t wish to type out here.

When I introduced him to my girlfriend (my now fiance), he was very polite and charismatic to her. After she left, he unleashed a tirade of slurs against me and her, calling me a “race-traitor”. I tried speaking with his teacher at school to find out if he’s been around any bad types of people or done anything worrying at school, but apparently he’s a perfect goody two shoes at school.

I’ve been trying to modify his behavior and get him to normalize, but it just leads to fights and arguments. He put up a racist poster in his room, I took it down and tore it apart, and he got angry because I was interfering in his room. I’ve taken away his computer currently because I thought he might be getting this radical influence from the internet, but I let him use my computer whenever he needs ONLY for school projects and under my supervision.

I really don’t know what to do. His mother is a hopeless waste and out of the picture, neither of us have contacted her for years. I’m ashamed to open up about what he’s turning into to anybody I know closely, I’m ashamed that my parents or friends might find out my son has become this vitriolic racist and they might think I made him this way. But he acts so nice around other people, its only in private that he shows his true opinions.

I’m afraid my fiance might find out about his true opinions and this might permanently cancel our marriage. If we get married and he’s still like this, it will be a nightmare scenario.

Please help me, I really love my son, despite all his faults. I know in his heart he’s a good person, I don’t know why he’s become overcome with this sudden hatred. I know at the heart of his soul he’s full of love and empathy, I really hope this racism is just a rebellious phase that he will pass soon and look back on and laugh at one day.

Any ideas?”

MY TAKE

The post QOTW: White Male Engaged to Black Female Seeks Advice About His Racist Son appeared first on Love is all colors.

How do you deal with someone who hurls insults at you then when you complain about it they say they were joking and that you are overreacting?

Our question this week comes from a black girl who has been dating this white man who does that to her. She comes from a home where the father abuses the mother, and the mother also abuses her. Now she finds herself in a relationship where similar abuse has began. She wonders if she is overreacting as the man says. How does she deal?

The Question:

“Hi Chrystelyn,

Please keep me anonymous if you decide to use this email in a video.

My name is Rose (not my real name) and I would appreciate your advice on a relationship I’m currently in. I’m a fairly new subscriber, only finding your channel in January, and you seem to be more of a mother figure than I currently have right now. The life advice you give is very inspirational, empowering, and helps me in finding who I am as I become a young black women. Actually, I just purchased your book, Swirling, and am waiting for summer break to begin reading it. With all this said, I hope you understand that your videos important to a lot of people, and that I appreciate your will to uplift black women.

So you will have some background about me, I’ll describe the relationship between me and my family. The relationship with my family is rocky, mostly because my father is the abusive and degrading black father that you mostly describe in your videos. He is the hateful Black man that disdains BWWM and is unbothered by BMWW. Furthermore, he openly verbally abuses his wife, my black mother, and is very uninvolved with my family. Because of this, my parents are on the verge of a divorce. Really, my mother is trapped in the relationship because of her children, and will not leave until we’re independent. For this, I truly love my mom despite her flaws. I know that she loves me because she sacrifices her sanity and stays with an abuser to ensure her children’s future. However, my parents, specifically my mom, is toxic. She is often extremely verbally abusive towards me in spite of my father. She calls me names that no one should hear, compares me to my father, and even threatens me at times. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells when I talk to her. I can never predict her moods or if she will verbally start attacking me. Going back to how my dad is uninvolved, when or if he is, it’s usually to benefit his appearance or to seem as if he is an involved father. A small example is that I graduated high-school at 16, and he refused to attend my graduation. Yet, he attended my brother’s graduation. I am telling you all of this because I do not want to repeat my parents unhealthy relationship. I do not want to be a victim to an abusive relationship because I know it will not only affect me, but my future family as well.

With that being said, I’m afraid I might be in a verbally abusive relationship right now. The signs weren’t obvious at first, but as time passes, I become more aware. I met this guy, I’ll call Tyler, online when I was 11, which is 6 years ago: I’m 17 right now. We met online on an interactive game, which we used to log on everyday at a specific time just to talk to each other. Eventually, when we got older and started to outgrow the game, we started texting. I am not concerned with his identity because we’ve established a close relationship and we’ve verified each other through social media and talking on the phone, etc.. However, we have never met because of complicated issues, such as us living across the country and knowing our parents would be unsupportive of us communicating. He is a white guy, and I am a black girl, and both of our families are uncomfortable with interracial dating. However, my main concern is how he has changed in the years that I’ve known him.

His attitude and the way he treats me has changed drastically. Until a couple of years ago, we considered ourselves dating. However, now we’ve both expressed that we should be able to see other people, so we’re just good friends. In the meantime, He’s been dating girls, while I have been looking, but am never lucky enough to find anyone to relate to. Since I’m single, Tyler has continued to pursue me sexually, even though I’ve told him I don’t believe in pursuing sex if we’re not committed at least romantically. He says he understands this, stops for a period of time, then starts over again. Furthermore, the more time passes, the less he seems to care about our friendship.

For example, I went through a major surgery a year ago, and a week before my surgery, he stopped talking to me. He never checked to see if the surgery went well or even if I was still alive due to any complications. Months later, I contacted him again, and he never gave me a solid reason why he stopped communication. In addition, after I contacted him, he had moved to a neighboring state, and did not tell me until I saw an update on Facebook. Eventually, we got over this and became close friends again. In the past year, I have found out recently, that he has been dating other girls while still pursuing me sexually. When I turn down his sexual advances, we return to just Platonic friends. In addition to this, he started to develop a “sarcasm”. He has always been a joking person, but in the past couple of months, his jokes have become more offensive. Tyler started calling me dump, not so sharp, and worse terms while claiming “he’s just joking”. However, Whenever I confront him and say his jokes cross the line or make me uncomfortable, he says it’s just his sarcasm and that I’m taking it too seriously.

Now, I do have a slight delay when I talk compared to most people because I believe it’s important to think about what I say before I actually articulate my words. Because of this, people will sometimes mistake my speech for a stutter and I have been bullied and called “slow”. However, I know I am not stupid , retarded, slow, nor any of the crude terms because I’ve studied at Ivy League universities, and I will have my associates in business administration in several months, and I’m only 17. So for him to call me such things, I know, has to be a joke because I am unapologetically confident in my intelligence. However, I am still bothered by the names he calls me because it reminds me how my father treats my mother, and how my mother treats me. Also, if he’s a true friend, why would he even think to call me those names, let alone joke about it? So finally, about a week ago, I told him that I do not want him to call me dumb, stupid, asshole, bitch, etc., and claim it’s just joking. I further expressed that I understand he’s joking, but I’m offended by this and I don’t understand why he finds it necessary to mock me for the sake of a joke. Chrystelyn, his response shocked, and truly hurt me.

First, he accused me of being overly angry. Then, he said I’m really a good person and defended himself by asking why I would even think that he would try to hurt me. He went on to describe that he’s offended by me not trusting him. Finally, He said that this is the nature of his personality: that he is sarcastic, and if I’m being so strongly offended by his jokes, then I need to look at why I’m offended. He further described that maybe I am those things that he calls me, and maybe that’s why I’m offended. He went on to say “oh I’m not saying that you are those things, but you need to look at why you’re offended”.

So Chrystelyn, my question is, am I being too easily offended? Is this something I should be worried about? I am mostly concerned about how I should address him. I have no idea if I should cut ties with him, or if I should apologize for being overly aggressive. I thought I was being calm and simply expressing something that makes me uncomfortable. I would really appreciate any advice on this, because I am beyond lost and confused. Even though this matter doesn’t specifically concern race, I hope you will be willing to give me feedback on this.

From your dark chocolate sista,

Rose.”

My Take

The post QOTW: How to Deal With Abusive Relationships appeared first on Love is all colors.

This week I got a question from a black woman who has just met this man online. He tells her she is beautiful and she believes it. The other day, she asked him to describe the physical features he finds attractive in a woman. Well the description was a white woman – straight hair, blue eyes… So she is wondering if he really finds her attractive or is just telling her what he thinks she wants to hear.

Girl doesn’t want to waste time on guy if he isn’t really attracted to her physically because much as they connect on so many other levels, she believes physical/sexual attraction is important for any relationship to thrive.

Here is the full question:

“My name is *****, I will cut to the chase. I am currently talking to a white guy I met online. He seems nice and we are vibing and connecting. I am trying to get a feel for whether he is genuinely attracted to me physically. He has called me beautiful many times and I don’t have a hard time believing him because I know I am pretty. What I am concerned about is each individual has an ideal of what he or she finds attractive, physically and personality-wise. But I am talking about physical attractiveness right now. I asked him what is an example of someone he finds attractive. He said his first ever girlfriend from high school who obviously is a white girl, lol. And concerning in another way is that he sent me a picture of her, rather quickly. Which may be a sign of another issue altogether that he might not be over her. But that’s another topic for me to discuss with a friend later.

Anyway, now my concern and thoughts are, “If this is what he finds attractive, i.e. straight long hair, thin lips, light skin, blue eyes does he genuinely think I’m pretty?” And he said his celebrity crush is Jessica freaking Alba. Who is hecka pretty but I am no where near Latina looking, lol. Also, he is tall, 6’2” and apparently has dated tall women in the past, I’m 5’6”, slim and have a small frame. Although he said he likes small women, is he saying what he thinks I want to hear?

So yeah, I don’t want to waste my time with this guy if I’m not someone he’d actually find physically attractive. But then, why contact me if he doesn’t? Ugh. You should also know I haven’t asked him yet whether he’s ever talked to/dated a black woman before. I probably should do that soon…. So I guess my question is am I overthinking this or should I continue to probe him to determine whether or not I am somewhere in line with what he finds attractive? And if so, how do I go about it without making it awkward or uncomfortable? Also, I don’t know if this is relevant but he isn’t the type of guy I would usually find attractive physically, he’s a little chubby but is handsome though don’t get me wrong. He has a beard and green eyes, yes, I love beards. Anyways, but we connect so much in terms of our goals, what we’re looking for in a relationship and he’s easy to talk to. So I overlooked that because I value those things more than looks. Although physical/sexual attraction is important.

Sorry about the rant, I am just spilling my thoughts and wanted to be thorough so you understood the situation fully. Btw, I actually have an acquaintance, an older lady who is dating a white man, he’s Irish. She told me he’d never dated a black woman before. Maybe I should call her and ask her about this.

If you read this far, lol, thank you for your time. If you are able to respond to my question I would really appreciate it.”

Here is my take.

The post QOTW: Black Girl Wondering If The Guy She Met Online Is Really Attracted to Her appeared first on Love is all colors.

Our question this week comes from a 23-year-old white female. She has been dating this Korean man of 24 for two years gave her quite a self-esteem boost with his flattery and compliments.

Much as language isn’t a barrier, they are having cultural issues and they are becoming worse. She has a cat and he cant stand cats. He calls caring so much about pets “stupid” and a “typical white person thing” to the extent of kicking it. His temper is worrying her and she is wondering if she could be better off with a white man.

THE QUESTION

“I’ve been in an interracial relationship with my Korean boyfriend for two years now. In the initial “honeymoon” stage, things were generally fine. I was impressed by his generosity, always paying for dates and things like that. To tell the truth I wasn’t used to this sort of thing from the white guys I’d dated in the past. I also have pretty low self-esteem if I’m being honest, was never popular at school so I liked all the compliments he used to pay. He was a real flatterer.

For reference, he works over here in the UK and was educated here and I’m a nursing student, so language issues aren’t really a thing.

Over the past 6 months to a year things have started getting progressively worse though. Cultural issues have started to rear their heads. We live today and I have a cat, and he hates house pets. I understand frustration with the cat jumping on the sofa sometimes, but he gets far too angry about it, to the point of hitting my cat sometimes, kicking it even. He says caring so much about pets is “stupid” and a “typical white person thing”.

And it’s that temper that worries me, it flares up and brings all of these cultural issues to light, or perhaps they’re better described as “cultural differences”. He’s quite dismissive of English people in general, as well as white people more widely, and it makes me worry about having children with him given that they’d have a mixed identity. He said a few months ago that he “didn’t know why white women, excluding [me], were such whores”. I don’t even know how to respond to stuff like that, how do you even begin to rationalize it away? It hurts me so much. This is all compounded with a general arrogance towards anything non-Korean that only becomes worse with time. The worst outburst so far is when I got into an argument about western culture with him and he raised his fists at me after us both shouting at each other.

Looking back at our time together, something quite hypocritical that was off-putting to me within the first few months was how angry and frustrated he became if he saw a white guy with an Asian girl when we were out together. It confused me because I thought seeing as he was dating me, that wouldn’t annoy him. Perhaps I should have noted that as a sign of things to come.

Summary: Big cultural differences starting to surface in my relationship and I’m starting to wonder if I’d be more comfortable with a white guy if I’m being honest. What should I do?”

MY TAKE:

The post QOTW – White Female with Korean Guy Having Cultural issues Over a Cat appeared first on Love is all colors.

Our question this week comes from a 26-year-old Indian female who has been born and raised in America. She has been dating her White fiancee for three years and is meant to get married in December.

The problem began with the wedding planning when her fiancee asked if they were going to have an American or Indian wedding (or both). When she said American, dude went: “Well I mean, you’re Indian. I just thought we were going to also celebrate accordingly.” Well, that turned into an argument.

The fiancee says she is not American. She is even rethinking their wedding.

The Question:

My White fiancee says I am not American, despite being born and raised here. Been together for 3 years- supposed to be getting married in December.

To start off, my family is from India. My parents were born and raised in India. Me, my brother, and my sister were all born here in the US and raised here. I have only visited India once when I was about 10 to meet my extended family and grandparents, and I haven’t been back since. I can’t even speak a word of Punjabi. I was very grateful that my parents were more integrating than other Indian families I knew growing up. My mother would make traditional Indian food, but she would also mix it up a lot and make mac and cheese or burgers (chicken or imitation beef, though she didn’t mind if we bought McDonald outside of the house). My parents encouraged us to join sports and do other extracurricular that would let us bond with the kids who went to our school, rather than just hang out with the Indian kids from other Indian families just because they were Indian. My dad always said that he saw so many people get stuck in their ways because they never ventured out of what was familiar to them.

So fast forward to 3 years ago, I met my fiancée Alan. What I liked about him was that he didn’t make it a point that we were this exotic interracial couple. He didn’t treat me differently than anyone else. We, of course, talked about my family and he knew that my parents were from India but that me and my siblings had grown up here. He never said anything that came off ignorant, which was very refreshing considering how every guy I had dated before that had had some weird Indian chick fetish that gradually came out during the relationship.

He proposed 6 months ago.

Until about a month ago, things were going well and we were planning our wedding that we decided to have in December. He asked me if we were going to have an American or Indian wedding (or both) and I replied we were just going to have an American wedding because I really didn’t know anything about an Indian one and my family really isn’t traditional like that so they weren’t fussed. Alan seemed surprised and when I asked why he said “Well I mean, you’re Indian. I just thought we were going to also celebrate accordingly.”
I asked him jokingly if we were going to have beer steins and if he was going to wear lederhosen at our wedding. He gave me a completely baffled look and said no, and I said “Well it’s the same sentiment really. You and I were both raised here, we’re both American.” to which he said “Yea, but, well, not really. You’re Indian-American.”

It turned into an argument where I challenged him and asked him why he’s not calling himself German-American or Irish-American since that’s where his grandparents hail from. He never gave me a solid answer. Everything was vague and a lot of blubbering began to happen the more I asked him why he could be just American but I needed to clarification of a hyphen in there.

We never resolved the issue. We just ended sweeping it under the rug and didn’t talk about it again, until this week. At dinner with his parents, the issue of an Indian wedding came up again. I politely told them no, that we wouldn’t be doing that as my parents aren’t traditional and that’s the only reason I’d be having an Indian wedding. Alan pipes up and says its a shame because “you Indians do weddings way better than us Americans”, nodding towards his mom and dad. I asked him right there what he meant because I was also American. He said, “Well, you know what I mean. Like, you’re Indian, and we’re white.”

It left a really sour taste in my mouth. And then I got to thinking about what happens after we get married and decide to have kids. Kids born here, in America. Are they going to have to deal with their dad continually reminding them that because they’re a bit browner that they’re “not really” American? I know people will say some ignorant things because woohoo for racism, but I don’t want the first instance of prejudice to come from their own father. I don’t want my kids to feel the way I do when someone insists on slapping the Indian-American label on me because I look one way and talk/act another.

This is honestly making me rethink the wedding, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting here or if my feelings are valid. I don’t even really know how to approach my fiancee about this whole issue without coming off bitter or angry. I’m not saying that I don’t know what my heritage is, but the fact is, I was raised here. My ties to India are pure because my parents happened to be born there. I don’t want to have to straddle two worlds because I’m not even really part of one, and I don’t want my kids to feel that way either.

Summary: Fiancee has some skewed view about who can be just American. It’s making me rethink the wedding unless I can find a way to discuss this with him, but just the fact he can think this way in 2015 is upsetting to me.”

My Take:

The post American Born Indian Woman: “My White Fiancee says I am not American” appeared first on Love is all colors.

Names. Whats in a name? William – Billy, Robert – Bob. Mary – Maria? Well, that’s a problem today.

Our question is from a Latino man married to a white woman. They have a daughter named Mary. Well, his mother calls the baby Maria. The wife is livid over this. She wants her baby called by her name Mary; not Maria. The wife has asked him to tell his mother to stop calling her Maria even though it means the same thing.

He is wondering how he can make his wife understand that his mom isn’t trying to erase their daughter’s name or isn’t calling her Maria just to spite her.

Here is the question.

I am a Latino man, married to a white woman. We’re very happy, very much partners, all that good stuff. But my issue is that we have a newborn baby named “Mary.” My mother is a Latina woman who is bilingual but prefers Spanish. She generally calls her “Maria.”

My wife isn’t thrilled with this and is asking me to tell my mother to call her “Mary.” I think it’s no different than saying Nueva York or even how my mother prefers to be called “abuela” instead of “grandma” — it’s the same meaning, but in a different language. Or even just a nickname, really.

My wife is very committed to teaching our daughter Spanish and ensuring that she has a connection with our specific heritage–she’s awesome in that regard. However, her argument is that a name is a name and shouldn’t be changed. I can understand that, sort of, except that she has no problem with her brother “William” being called “Billy.” It’s the same thing, in my view. She says it’s not, but gets mad when I ask her to explain how it’s different.

Honestly, in my family, we use diminutives all the time (really common in Latin culture) and we also change names from different languages so they are easier to pronounce and also out of affection.

How can I help her understand that my mom isn’t trying to erase our daughter’s name, but is just doing what our family’s always done and that there’s no malice? I think she projects that my mom doesn’t like Mary’s English name because it’s English, when really that doesn’t factor in at all–it’s just how Latins do things. But she doesn’t believe me

I feel like this might be a cultural issue we haven’t talked out enough, so I’d love some help in explaining why this isn’t a big deal (unless it is, which I’m open to). Ideally in a kind and loving way because I love my wife a lot and she’s an amazing mother!

I think she’d listen to me but right now, to her, it sounds too much like I’m choosing my mother’s preferences over her preferences, when really it’s sort of more about MY preference and the kind of relationship I want my daughter to have with her Spanish speaking side of the family.
This isn’t life or death, for the record, I think we’re both willing to compromise if it comes to it, but it’s still sticking in my side a bit that she’s not being more accepting. We’re also both pretty sleep deprived right now, and her moreso due to nursing, so that’s a definite factor.
Summary: Wife wants my mother to call our daughter “Mary,” not “Maria.” Thinks my mother is being unreasonable not to use her given name. I don’t see what the big deal is and I even hope the nickname will help connect our daughter to her Latina heritage. Am I wrong?

My Take:

The post White Female Gets Annoyed at Mother in Law for Calling Their Daughter’s Name the Latino Way appeared first on Love is all colors.