Here is a cautionary tale:

Growing up you and your mom were a team of two. Things did not work out all that well with your dad so your parents split when you were just a baby. Your mom was pretty young when you were born. She relied a lot on her parents, your grandparents, to help raise you. She dated a lot after your dad left and you just cocooned with your other family members who seemed not to know how to teach your mother how to parent.

Little guidance growing up

Your friends were jealous when you got older because your mom was so cool. She was more of a friend than a parent and was pretty lax with the discipline. Because you knew nothing different you thought it was normal for your mom to hang out with you and your friends. As you grew into your teenage it became common for your mom to borrow your clothes and use your makeup. She let you experiment with some adult behaviors and exposing you to drinking and smoking before you were ready.

Sometimes you longed for a mother who would set some boundaries or be able to give you some needed advice. You started to notice that your girlfriends’ parents were a little disapproving of your mother, rolling their eyes and showing some exasperation as your mom rarely drove to your sport’s team or ballet practice relying instead on other adults too much. You became a little embarrassed as you discovered her flirting with your soccer coach or the rehearsal pianist at the dance studio. Some of your friends started avoiding you when your mom tried to cozy up to their dads.

The fun and young mom of your childhood began to get a little desperate as you matured into a young adult. She has always been the pretty one. You believed her when she joked that your were her little tomboy. Or that you were too fat or awkward to have a boyfriend. You dated infrequently during high school and for some reason you could not put your finger on you did not want to introduce her to any guy who showed an interest in you.

Introducing the boyfriend

You graduated from high school and went to a local community college. Living at home was not ideal. So you began saving some money as you worked your way through with work study jobs. You started to take pride in your appearance and diverged from your mom’s fashion sense, much to her irritation. You took your studies seriously and transferred to a four year university where you met the man of your dreams. He was sweet and attentive and you finally got the courage to bring him home to your mother.

He and your mom instantly connected. At first you were relieved as you mom had always been so dismissive of your brief flings and interrupted relationships. As time went by your beau showed more interest in chatting with your mom than spending time with you. You decided you were just being silly and tried to be happy they liked each other. Yet you were miserable. Your boyfriend was robotic when he gave you a kiss or a hug. Your sex life became non existent.

Caught in the act

And then one day you came home unexpectedly from school and found your boyfriend’s car at the house you shared with your mom. When you walked in you realized with complete shame what the problem was as you surprised mom and your boyfriend making love on the living room couch.

The emotional pain was unbearable and the scene that followed was pathetic. Turning away you fled to your grandparents where you are still staying as you mom and ex continue their flagrant affair. In fact your mom has announced they will be getting married and she is pregnant with his child.

How to deal

Unbelievable? Perhaps, but this story is not unlike that of some very unfortunate women whose mothers are narcissistic and so self involved that they will pluck a similarly damaged man our of their own daughter’s arms. The answer is to walk away and get some professional counseling to prove to yourself that you are the victim of a mother who should never have been a parent. If you are lucky enough to have relatives and friends who see your mom for who she is keep them in your circle as you seek healing.

As for that boyfriend? He was no friend of yours. Your mom may have been the predator but he knew wrong was wrong. Investigate during counseling what attracted you to such a hurtful individual. Work hard on loving yourself because you are lovable.

Here is to your happily every after — without these toxic two.

The post When He Is Cheating – With Your Mom! appeared first on Love is all colors.

Avoir.The pain, humiliation and anguish you feel when your girlfriend or boyfriend cheats is intense. Infidelity, once confirmed, can turn your life upside down, making you question everything about your relationship. Some people just walk away, unable to deal with the situation. Others try to work through and past the cheating. They take steps to reestablish the relationship. If you want to try to repair things after this significant breach of your love and trust, try the following steps.

Require Disclosure — On Your Terms

In order to move on you need to have a clear idea what you are leaving in the rear view mirror. Think about what you want and need to know about the affair. Ask your partner to share that information with you. An important part of this disclosure is that you dictate the terms. If you want a full accounting be prepared for it to be painful. So think about limiting the discussion to short periods of time. A couple times a week is ideal until you understand what you need to know. Try to listen, absorb and then look to the future. Don’t dwell.

Mandate All Connection And Contact With The Third Party Cease

If your boyfriend or girlfriend will not agree to stop seeing, talking with, texting or otherwise maintaining a relationship with the other man or woman, stop. This is when you make the decision, no matter how painful, to break it off with the cheater. Hard as it is face the reality, if your loved one is still connected with the third party days are numbered for your primary relationship.

Expect Apologies — But Accept Only When You Are Ready

Infidelity creates major damage to a relationship, devastation out of all proportion to a simple and swift “I’m sorry.” No matter how contrite and sincere the apology is take a big step back and ponder whether you need more reassurance. Again if the relationship transgressor feels all that is needed is an apology and he or she seem irritated that bald statement doesn’t “fix” things maybe you need to show him or her the door.

Set Boundaries And Follow Through When They Are Breached

To rebuild trust, you will need be able to believe your boyfriend or girlfriend again. Before that trust can grow on its own you have to be sure your loved one is willing to make major concessions to rebuilding it. Depending on your needs and personality you might want frequent phone calls or messaging when you are apart. Boys’ or girls’ nights out may be off the table as you reweave the relationship. If you work or go to school near each other maybe you meet for breaks and meals, particularly if those times gave him or her opportunities to pursue their affair before discovery. If her or she chafes at these constraints again it might be wiser to call it quits.

Get Some Professional Help

Schedule couple’s counseling with a reputable family therapist. A professional can help both of work through what happened to make one of you violate your commitment. Avoid finger pointing and excuses and their toxic aftermath by seeing an experienced counselor toguide you both through the steps needed to realign and balance your relationship. You may also want to seek individual counseling to help you regain your self-esteem. If you are wavering when a cheater is still exhibiting disregard for you and your needs sessions with your own counselor can help you make healthy choices for a better life for you after your partner cheats.

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