Avoir.The pain, humiliation and anguish you feel when your girlfriend or boyfriend cheats is intense. Infidelity, once confirmed, can turn your life upside down, making you question everything about your relationship. Some people just walk away, unable to deal with the situation. Others try to work through and past the cheating. They take steps to reestablish the relationship. If you want to try to repair things after this significant breach of your love and trust, try the following steps.

Require Disclosure — On Your Terms

In order to move on you need to have a clear idea what you are leaving in the rear view mirror. Think about what you want and need to know about the affair. Ask your partner to share that information with you. An important part of this disclosure is that you dictate the terms. If you want a full accounting be prepared for it to be painful. So think about limiting the discussion to short periods of time. A couple times a week is ideal until you understand what you need to know. Try to listen, absorb and then look to the future. Don’t dwell.

Mandate All Connection And Contact With The Third Party Cease

If your boyfriend or girlfriend will not agree to stop seeing, talking with, texting or otherwise maintaining a relationship with the other man or woman, stop. This is when you make the decision, no matter how painful, to break it off with the cheater. Hard as it is face the reality, if your loved one is still connected with the third party days are numbered for your primary relationship.

Expect Apologies — But Accept Only When You Are Ready

apologyInfidelity creates major damage to a relationship, devastation out of all proportion to a simple and swift “I’m sorry.” No matter how contrite and sincere the apology is take a big step back and ponder whether you need more reassurance. Again if the relationship transgressor feels all that is needed is an apology and he or she seem irritated that bald statement doesn’t “fix” things maybe you need to show him or her the door.

Set Boundaries And Follow Through When They Are Breached

To rebuild trust, you will need be able to believe your boyfriend or girlfriend again. Before that trust can grow on its own you have to be sure your loved one is willing to make major concessions to rebuilding it. Depending on your needs and personality you might want frequent phone calls or messaging when you are apart. Boys’ or girls’ nights out may be off the table as you reweave the relationship. If you work or go to school near each other maybe you meet for breaks and meals, particularly if those times gave him or her opportunities to pursue their affair before discovery. If her or she chafes at these constraints again it might be wiser to call it quits.

Get Some Professional Help

couples-counsellingSchedule couple’s counseling with a reputable family therapist. A professional can help both of work through what happened to make one of you violate your commitment. Avoid finger pointing and excuses and their toxic aftermath by seeing an experienced counselor toguide you both through the steps needed to realign and balance your relationship. You may also want to seek individual counseling to help you regain your self-esteem. If you are wavering when a cheater is still exhibiting disregard for you and your needs sessions with your own counselor can help you make healthy choices for a better life for you after your partner cheats.