My wife and I are in the middle of what should be a very cut and dried divorce. Our kids are older. We are each spending roughly 50 percent of the time with them in a court approved joint custody arrangement. Our earnings are close to equal so child support is non-existent either way. No alimony or spousal maintenance is at issue. We have joint accounts that could easily be split down the middle and neither of us want to continue living in the family home. Most divorcing couples would just agree to the obvious and move on, right? Not a narcissist.

Oh, there is one thing I forgot to mention — or maybe two. One of us had an affair that precipitated the entire dissolution of this 20 year marriage. One of us refuses to agree to anything, preferring to argue about every single issue and non-issue possible. That “one” is my apparently never-to-be-ex wife, who is now two years into her relationship with my replacement. You would think her moving on from me to him in her life and her bed translates into an urgency to get this divorce done. I am trying to be easy going despite the betrayal for the good of the kids and to get on with my life.

Unfortunately my take on it is as far from her “truth” as we can get in this crazy situation. Even though I have agreed on the 50/50 split on custody and property we will ultimately receive in this state if the case finally goes to trial my wife will not allow even one of the dozens of issues to be settled. Each of us has spent over $35,000 in lawyer fees on a divorce that could have been settled two weeks pro bono.

My wife also coats every exchange between the two of us in hatred, contempt, and sarcasm. No suggestion I make is ever right, no settlement offer my attorney and I make is ever accepted. She has created a completely illusory narration that I am vicious and unreasonable yet will not run the other direction as would most arguably “mistreated spouses, counting the seconds till they are rid of their tormentor.

Narcissistic behavior

Why is this happening? I believe that my wife is a narcissist. She certainly showed all the characteristics during our life together, even though I was oblivious at the time. Her need to continue this fantasy fight over our no-fault, 50/50 divorce all boils down to this: I filed for divorce before she did and refused to wait until her extramarital fling was over. Not happy making for a control crazed narcissist.

My narcissistic wife controlled every move I and our children took over 20 years of marriage. She blinded me with her initial devotion to me during the beginning of our relationship. I gave up family and friends, promotions and hobbies because she said I was her everything. But that position came at a tremendous price and required that I never, ever question her or her decisions.

And my decision to stand up for myself at the last, filing for divorce after she refused to end an affair or to attend counseling unleashed a rage in her that never waivers and instead seems to get more intense as the months and now years go by. We have decimated our kid’s college funds and raided our retirement funds. Furthermore, we have enriched our attorneys beyond their wildest dreams.

All this because I dared call her bluff and refused to wait for her affair to end. Which was a somewhat wise move because she is still with the guy 24 months later.

I stand by my decision. But it would be nice to see a light at the end of this tunnel.

And I would like to find some shelter from this storm — a rage I had no part in but cannot extinguish.

[Reader story by Samuel Davidson]

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The post Where Did That Come From? The Rage Of The Scorned Narcissist appeared first on Love is all colors.

There are difficult spots in every relationship. But usually it is “a little bit you, a little bit me” kind of a problem, situations and issues that the two of you can work out to reboot your relationship. If normal give and take seems to have gone missing from your relationship, finding you always on the defensive and your beloved always in charge, you may have a more troubling challenge in your relationship. Your spouse or partner may be a narcissist. This is a condition that he or she may have but from which you suffer just as much — or more — than does your special someone.

How do you know that the pain in your relationship may possibly be due to narcissistic tendencies? Take a look at the following hints:

• It Seems Too Good To Be True

  

The beginning of the relationship was a fairy tale, amazingly intense, as though you had finally found your soulmate. The two of you were completely taken with one another, to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. This is how the narcissist pulls you into the web.

• Power And Control Intrudes

At first you do not care that she or he makes all the decisions. However, soon you realize there is no compromise. Her movie picks, his decision where to live are not suggestions. They are the Law of your relationship. You have no license to practice law in this duo — your companion is prosecutor, judge and jury.

• Is Your Sweetheart Conceited Or Vulnerable?

Depending on whether you’ve become entangled with an introverted or extroverted narcissist expect to be told tales of wonder or exquisite sadness. Your mate will be certain that no one is as special as is he or she, and will either trumpet it to all who will hear or sit quietly, but smug. Sometimes an introverted narcissist will also spin a narrative of how put upon or scared he or she is. Expect your friends and family to catch on to this before you do, and also expect a doubling down of the exclusionary nature of the relationship if your beloved narcissist gets wind of this.

• Is There One Rage After Another — Over What?

  

There is a vintage movie about an aging movie queen who terrorizes her children over wire versus wooden clothes hangers that boils down a narcissistic range down to a frightening scene to which you can totally relate. In order to keep you in line there is nothing too small to demand and the tears, anger and spun narrative becomes part of your life. You will do anything — except leave — to make it stop.

• Have You Gone From Golden To Tarnished Beyond Repair?

Once a narcissist has his or her talons tightly around your heart you will find the fairy tale that was the inception of the love affair turning dark and tragic. You are now lucky he or she still allows you in the same room as you have gone from the best thing in his or her life to an object to be derided. Some narcissist accomplish this by overt denigration while others simply ignore you and your needs.

• Your Support System Has Vanished

Because you have become so immersed in this now horrifying relationship your friends and family are wary. If they tried to enlighten you earlier you probably rebuffed them. And your narcissistic love certainly banished them overtly or covertly from your life. It is hard to leave when no one is there to catch you.

If your relationship, with such an amazing beginning, has morphed into a cocoon of pain, fear and loneliness it really may not be you. Instead your beloved may be unable to respond and relate as a mentally healthy individual because of narcissism. Run to get some help from professionals if you suspect the love of your life has this insidious disorder.

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The post 6 Hints That Your Beloved Is A Narcissist appeared first on Love is all colors.

I am not sure just how it happened that I became so lost and powerless in my marriage. A decade or so ago I met a girl. She was everything I thought I needed. Beautiful and blond, she made me the center of her life. In the first years she seemed to want to get along with my family and friends. We got married and started a family. My family was excited for our milestones and looked forward to spending time with the babies. I began to notice her family was just not into our kids, but it mattered to her not at all. She assured me that I and our children were all she needed for a perfect life.

Dwindling family ties

As time went by we upgraded houses twice, both on her schedule and without much input from me. We were now living nearly an hour from my family in a neighborhood populated with mini-mansions. I rarely saw any of my high school or college friends anymore. “Good riddance to those low-lives.” said my wife. Life revolved around our kids, three adorable girls, and my wife’s hobbies and interests. I worked long overnight hours so I could be home with the kids and we could avoid the stress and cost of daycare, or at least that is what my wife said was important. Even though my parents called and asked we almost never traveled back to the old neighborhood to see my family. Visits with my side dwindled to a couple hours at Christmas.

We invited the families to the girls birthday parties until each daughter started kindergarten, then my wife informed me a kids only party with their school friends would suffice. If I pushed back she rolled her eyes at me and talked about how the children needed to make their own connections with people who were worthy of them and their talents. My family is working class yet, loving but that made no difference to her. I meekly acquiesced to her one-sided decisions. I now realize I have been doing this for years.

When we briefly saw my mom, dad, brothers, and sisters at the holidays I had to practically drag the kids toward grandma and grandpa to say hello. My three daughters clung to their mom, still blond and beautiful, anxious and afraid in their own grandparents’ house. After last Christmas my kids and wife sat around picking apart each of my extended family members. That aunt was too fat. Grandpa smelled funny. Their cousins were loud and stupid. They gave the girls presents that were “lame” and not up to my wife’s standards. “We are not wasting money on presents for them anymore,” decreed my wife.

All about looks

Everything is about how things look. I think back on my college psychology classes and realize I married a narcissist. My wife exercises and diets frantically, keeping thin, dressing in clothes appropriate for young women half her age. She splurges on things she wants and denies me things I need like minor health procedures or even a new pair of shoes.  As the holidays approach this year the girls and their mom have announced they will not attend Christmas festivities with my family. We also are not even considering inviting them to our home because they “eat too much” and their vehicles are old and embarrassing. We can’t have that type of crowd at our home because, “what would people say?” When I try to reason with them they shrug their collective shoulders, flip their blond locks, and tell me to deal with it.

I am heartbroken and do not even know how to tell my parents and siblings. Some of them have been hinting for a few years that my wife is more than a little aloof, but they will ignore that for the sake of me and the children. One very blunt sister-in-law said my wife is brainwashing the children against my family. I thought she was being a little dramatic, but all the girls say they are glad not to have to endure another Christmas with my family. Maybe my brother’s wife it on to something.

Depression

The schism is growing. I feel so alone and the worst part is I now feel the spotlight of disapproval is swinging toward me. My daughters sass back and refuse to follow my directions. My wife is becoming cold and distant, spending more time with her friends and co-workers, even gone overnight on weekends. She recently said I need to find a higher paying job because she is tired of shouldering the financial burden for the family even though I provide all child care, cooking, cleaning, home maintenance, and volunteering at the girls’ school and activities, as well as contributing over half of the wages earned by the both of us.

I fear the next piece I write will be titled “My Narcissistic Wife Has Banned Me From The Family.” My next step may be the counseling she refuses to attend with me because she says her life is perfect. If I dare.

How did this happen to me?

[Story by reader: Hubert Hart]

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