The wonderful thing about sexual role play is that it allows people to express their sexual identity in a safe and very enjoyable way. BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism) is a form of sexual role play that consenting adults have been participating in for centuries. Power is an aphrodisiac, as is total surrender. That’s being recognized and reflected in modern culture with the mainstream popularity of BDSM themed books, movies and fashion.

The Leather-Daddy dynamic

Leather and the ‘Daddy’ dynamic have long been a part of the BDSM scene. Leather daddies are normally those who take the dominant role in a BDSM relationship. The leather community holds them in high esteem. They are a little bit different from your typical Dom though. As the name ‘daddy’ implies, there is a paternal and even nurturing side to the relationships they form with their submissives. The reason they are called ‘leather daddies’ is because they prefer wearing leather. They also enjoy the leather wearing culture, such as motorcycles, as well as playing. Sometimes they even live the role as a father figure both to their sexual partners and to others within the community.

Because sexual role play is about fantasy and expression, there are no hard and fast rules about gender, particularly in the BDSM community, where roles are focused far more on sexual behavior than they are on physical characteristics, gender or even sexual orientation. It is not unusual for BDSM relationships to involve gay, straight and bisexual partners and polyamorous relationships. While there are traditions and conventions within the BDSM community, as long as consent is involved, every step of the way, pretty much anything goes.

Leather daddies with vaginas

This is why you will find that some of the most popular leather daddies may not have been born with penises. The most common leather daddies you will find, who have vaginas, are butch lesbians and trans men. It is a mistake to assume that most trans men have had phalloplasty (gender alignment surgery to create a penis) because they have not. The surgery is expensive and difficult and has mixed results.

Therefore many trans men decide that they’ll make the best use of the genitals they do have instead. This is mainly because society is moving away from the patriarchal view that having a penis is the source of all masculinity and the bigger the penis, the more masculine the man. Because we now understand and appreciate that there is so much diversity in both gender and sexual orientation, intersex leather daddies and trans women leather daddies, who possess vaginas, are also welcome parts of the community.

The great thing about role play and BDSM is that the possibilities for sexual fun are endless. Just because you have a vagina does not mean that penetration, cock play and fucking are not possible. People who enjoy BDSM tend to use strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, hands and fists, despite their gender, role or sexual orientation. Strap-ons have huge benefits as they allow the wearer to have whatever size, shape or length cock they want. They even provide the option of double penetration.

Working the leather daddy territory

Photo Credit: Harry Hu / Shutterstock.com

Being a leather daddy is about the attitude. Its about the ability to project a strong, dominant masculine persona. A persona that makes those around them feel safe, adored and turned on all at the same time. Submissives, who are attracted to leather daddies, often have the desire to please. And a great leather daddy inspires and encourages that desire. They want to be able to indulge in their inner child along with the innocence. Also, they like the playfulness and carefree behaviors that are all a part of that fantasy world. Leather daddies get off on this. So, as part of their role, keep submissives safe physically and psychologically. They explore those parts of their sexual being. The leather daddy role has little to do with genitalia. It has everything to do with charisma, strength of character and attitude. That’s why some leather daddies have vaginas.

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Women have the opportunity be more sexually versatile with each other than any other gender combination. With the assistance of a well-stocked play box, anything is possible. But, the most potential lies in the mind and that’s the potent source of sexual power play fantasies. Once women allow themselves into that hot and horny world, they often learn more about themselves and the rawest parts of their sexuality.

Power play:

Within normal healthy relationships, there is always a give and take of power. Power play in the bedroom, is an extension of that dynamic. Its about allowing each woman to explore their fantasies of domination, submission, control and surrender. There are a number of terms used commonly in this type of play. The most common are ‘top’ and ‘bottom’, ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’. There are, of course, variations on the theme, nuances and preferences in terms of identity. Some women, who are tops or dominant, like the term ‘Dommes’ or ‘Mistress’. Others, with a more gender fluid personality may even drift into a more masculine role. They may prefer ‘Sir’ or, for the kinkier, even ‘Daddy’.

Submissives, on the other hand, are usually referred to by a preferred term of reference provided by their dominant partner. These may be terms of endearment, such as ‘baby’ or ‘little one’. There are some identifiers that suggest humiliation such as ‘slut’ or ‘whore’. The top, in these circumstances, will set out the rules and parameters of the power exchange. This is done with the consent of the submissive before any role play or sexual activity commences. Without consent, it is impossible to indulge in this kind of game safely or to maximize the sexual pleasure that can be achieved.

Who the real boss is.

In fact, many say that it is the submissive, or bottom, who is really in control in these scenarios. This is because they will have a ‘safe word’ that can terminate all activity immediately when they utter that word. The other reason that many believe that bottoms have the true power is that most dominants wish to give their submissive as much pleasure as is humanly possible. Their wish is normally to bring their partner to such heights of ecstasy that they lose all control and surrender themselves completely both emotionally and physically.

Even if the dominant partner receives both sexual and psychological pleasure from the interaction, they are giving a gift to their submissive partner. This is both in terms of sexual enjoyment and absolute safety. That’s a big responsibility and for the top, their role in the power exchange means that they always need to be in control of both themselves and the situation. This is why some women who participate in power exchange role play call themselves ‘switches’. A ‘switch’ may change roles between being a top or a bottom. This gives her the chance to not always have to be the responsible one. Of course, being a sexual ‘switch’ does require a personality that can be as vulnerable as it is domineering. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that.

Lesbian BDSM

Power play can and often does involve bondage and tools of discipline, such as paddles and whips. There are an unlimited variety of tools lesbians can use to provide both pleasure and pain. The agreements negotiate prior to the scene determine which tools they use and how. Equipment isn’t always used or necessary though. This is because dominance is as psychological as it is physical. Introducing control games such as only allowing the submissive to orgasm when given permission, requiring her to expose and sexually stimulate herself for her partner’s enjoyment and even humiliating her by asking her to do and say things that she might find embarrassing or uncomfortable are all part of the repertoire of a well planned power play scene.

The best part of this sort of role play for women is that women know what makes each other tick and which buttons to push to take another woman to the edge and keep bringing her back until she reaches the point of no return. When women really explore their deepest and darkest fantasies, open up about them, discuss them and then negotiate with a partner to make those fantasies reality, they are likely to have the most satisfying and earth shattering sexual experiences of their life. The honesty of such an encounter can, and often does, bring partners closer than they’ve ever been. This is why power play, in lesbian relationships, is not only good for keeping things fresh in the bedroom. Its for bringing more awareness to the power dynamics as they play out on a day to day basis in the relationship.

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With the popularity of porn and the crazy mainstream success of novels and movies that involve sadomasochistic sex scenes, it’s starting to become apparent that vanilla is no longer the sexual flavor that people prefer. There was a time when people considered spanking, tickling, light bondage and stockings as risqué. However, thrill-seeking adults are starting to become familiar with more extreme forms of sexual pleasure. Exciting, fun and thrilling sex can often be a little bit rough and dangerous. So it’s important to be well versed in how to make sure everyone stays safe so that they’ll want to come again. That’s what it’s all about, after all, isn’t it?

What constitutes rough sex?

‘Rough sex’ is a term that can encompass many different types of bedroom activities. These range from rape fantasies to choking from bondage to cock and ball torture. Oh my! The possibilities are endless… But then so are the risks. If you’re going to be playing sex games that can lead to bruising, bleeding, fear, terror or even the loss of consciousness, it’s a good idea that you know how to do these things safely. There’s no doubt at all that living on the edge can be unbelievably arousing. But none of us wants to end our f@ck fest with a trip to the ER.

Plan ahead

It might seem obvious, but the first and most important thing when you’re planning to participate in some hardcore rough sex is consent. Everyone involved needs to know what is going on and have expressed their willingness to participate. Then everyone needs to agree on a ‘safe word’. This is a word that can be used at any time, by any participant to stop whatever is happening immediately and for any reason. It is not possible to have safe rough sex without an agreed ‘safe word’ that everyone can be trusted to respect.

Get consent

Rough sex often involves the use of toys and equipment. If this is the case, you need to make sure that everything you are using is clean and disinfected. Equipment must be fit for its purpose and in good condition. Ensure that it doesn’t break in the middle of frantic and wild activity. Good quality lube should be available and used liberally. Not only will this reduce tears and abrasions, but you’ll be able to use whichever orifice you’re abusing for much longer when properly lubricated. You don’t want to wear it out before you’re finished with it.

Safety first

If you are planning rough sex games that have a risk of serious injury or even death such as asphyxiation, extreme bondage, electricity play, piercing or cutting then you need to learn how to perform these skills safely before trying them out with a new partner. Some of these more radical types of erotic play are not for the fair weather f@cker or faint of heart. Join a BDSM club. Get to know some of the Doms and Dommes and learn. These people practice and train to perfect their craft. Not only does learning how to do these things properly make sure that you’re doing them safely, but it also will maximize the pleasure for you and your partner.

Another place you don’t want to end up is at the police station. So think carefully about where you are going to have your bit of rough and tumble. If the neighbors hear screaming and hitting, the first thing that will come to mind may not be that you’re about to give your partner the best orgasm of their life. They may just pick up the phone and provide you with an embarrassing case of cops interruptus. The only handcuffs you want to see are those you’ve used to pin down your partner while you make them beg you to f@ck them.

Rough sex can be some of the most fun sex. Just make sure you plan things properly. Know what you’re doing, how to do it safely and where to do it without getting into trouble. When you’ve made sure you’re safe, everyone can enjoy the f@cking.  And it can be as loud, rough and rowdy as you both want it to be.

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